On Faith and Doubt: A New Search for Truth, Life and Beauty

I’ll be honest about something I’ve been too frightened to verbalize to hardly anyone about in recent months. Like most Christians will, and most likely should, I’ve wrestled through confusion about the character and heart of God and whether he cares or not for my own, doubts of Christ’s power in my life, the capacity to which he answers prayer, etc. I see all of these doubts and “wrestling matches” as crucial to the development of our faith and renewing of our minds, and I wouldn’t ever discourage someone from coming face to face with these questions so that they might seek answers.

But never in my young life had I ever struggled with an intense fear that we have it all wrong. From the infallibility or reliability of Scripture, the fact of Christ’s deity and physical resurrection, to the ground level questions of the existence of God, the beginnings of our world, and the existence of an objective, spiritual realm, spirituality, and certainty about life after death. Somewhere this past summer, a fear entered into me in realizing that, as fallible human beings, we could have it all wrong.

Emotionally, I felt it as a loss of a comfort, security, and support. Even further, I felt it as a detaching from One that I loved. Pain.

Yet on the opposite end of the fear, I felt something completely different. I had the sense that the existence of questions and fears that I could no longer avoid was a new chance. I spotted an opportunity to gain the greatest certainty in my faith and the existence of all things spoken in Scripture as absolute truth. As the initial pain and fear began to subside, I felt the sense that this particular, even set-aside time for such questions was purposed. Perhaps this deeper sense is what has kept me grounded as my spirit has felt the bombardment of fears. And if I am right on this instinct, than I would be compelled to say that it is the Holy Spirit equipping me and empowering me for such a time.

The most astonishing proof to me of a creator thus far has been the provision on earth for life. Perhaps it is no perfect life, but rather there is an obvious providence for health. Consider biological cycles of nature and especially that of humans; psychology, sexuality, neurology and spirituality all linked. Aside from questions of how the world was made, the mere fact of life is incredible.

The morning I write this, I come from just experiencing worship at my church last night. Having felt a sense of numb to much contemporary, emotionalized worship recently, I was struck suddenly by the lyrics of one song:

He became sin

Who knew no sin

That we might become His righteousness

He humbled Himself and carried the cross

Love so amazing

Love so amazing
Jesus Messiah, name above all names

Blessed Redeemer, Emmanuel

The rescue for sinners

The ransom from Heaven

Jesus Messiah, Lord of all

His body, the bread

His blood, the wine

Broken and poured out all for love

The whole earth trembled and the veil was torn

Singing about the incredible atonement Christ made for our redemption, I realized the assurance of my faith in the end would be found in this. This had to be it; the greatest reason to bow to such a truth—beyond the fact of life to a redemption for something better, by a Being willing to purchase us back at such a cost. What a story! What a reason for living—that it is all so beautifully purposed! Even that which feels futile in this life gains meaning if it is true that Jesus of Nazareth died and literally rose from the dead, counting us as found in the eyes of Heaven.

The questions are still there and I feel certain that this is a season for searching, and I am thankful for it and no longer resent it. At first I wished the questions would leave me and I could continue without a turn from my walking in faith. But now I know that this would not be a turn from faith, but instead a further turning into it, inspecting all of the gears that make up its mechanism. And if in the end I discover the most beautiful hope that mankind could know to be true, then I don’t regret getting a little dirty if such treasure lies in the end of it.

Love so amazing…the rescue for sinners…the ransom from Heaven…

…Jesus Messiah, Lord of all.