I’ll be honest about something I’ve been
too frightened to verbalize to hardly anyone about in recent months. Like most Christians will, and most likely should, I’ve
wrestled through confusion about the character and heart of God and whether he
cares or not for my own, doubts of Christ’s power in my life, the capacity to
which he answers prayer, etc. I see all of these doubts and “wrestling matches”
as crucial to the development of our faith and renewing of our minds, and I wouldn’t
ever discourage someone from coming face to face with these questions so that
they might seek answers.
But never in my young life had I ever
struggled with an intense fear that we have it all wrong. From the infallibility or reliability of Scripture, the
fact of Christ’s deity and physical resurrection, to the ground level questions
of the existence of God, the beginnings of our world, and the existence of an
objective, spiritual realm, spirituality, and certainty about life after death.
Somewhere this past summer, a fear entered into me in realizing that, as
fallible human beings, we could have it all wrong.
Emotionally, I felt it as a loss of
a comfort, security, and support. Even further, I felt it as a detaching from
One that I loved. Pain.
Yet on the opposite end of the fear,
I felt something completely different. I had the sense that the existence of
questions and fears that I could no longer avoid was a new chance. I spotted an
opportunity to gain the greatest certainty in my faith and the existence of all
things spoken in Scripture as absolute
truth. As the initial pain and fear began to subside, I felt the sense that
this particular, even set-aside time for such questions was purposed. Perhaps this
deeper sense is what has kept me grounded as my spirit has felt the bombardment
of fears. And if I am right on this instinct, than I would be compelled to say
that it is the Holy Spirit equipping me and empowering me for such a time.
The most astonishing proof to me of a creator thus far has been the provision on earth for life. Perhaps it is no
perfect life, but rather there is an obvious providence for health. Consider biological cycles of
nature and especially that of humans; psychology, sexuality, neurology and
spirituality all linked. Aside from questions of how the world was made, the mere fact of life is incredible.
The morning I write this, I come
from just experiencing worship at my church last night. Having felt a sense of
numb to much contemporary, emotionalized worship recently, I was struck
suddenly by the lyrics of one song:
He
became sin
Who
knew no sin
That we
might become His righteousness
He
humbled Himself and carried the cross
Love so
amazing
Love so
amazing
Jesus Messiah, name above all names
Jesus Messiah, name above all names
Blessed
Redeemer, Emmanuel
The
rescue for sinners
The
ransom from Heaven
Jesus
Messiah, Lord of all
His
body, the bread
His
blood, the wine
Broken
and poured out all for love
The
whole earth trembled and the veil was torn
Singing
about the incredible atonement Christ made for our redemption, I realized the
assurance of my faith in the end would be found in this. This had to be it; the
greatest reason to bow to such a truth—beyond the fact of life to a redemption for something better, by a Being
willing to purchase us back at such a cost. What a story! What a reason for
living—that it is all so beautifully purposed! Even that which feels futile in
this life gains meaning if it is true that Jesus of Nazareth died and literally
rose from the dead, counting us as found in the eyes of Heaven.
The
questions are still there and I feel certain that this is a season for
searching, and I am thankful for it and no longer resent it. At first I wished
the questions would leave me and I could continue without a turn from my
walking in faith. But now I know that this would not be a turn from faith, but
instead a further turning into it, inspecting all of the gears that make up
its mechanism. And if in the end I discover the most beautiful hope that
mankind could know to be true, then I don’t regret getting a little dirty if
such treasure lies in the end of it.
Love so
amazing…the rescue for sinners…the ransom from Heaven…
…Jesus
Messiah, Lord of all.
