My car engine hummed, but I waited. Pensively I lifted my phone and resorted to Facebook to distract me from some irksome sense of dissatisfaction. Never a good idea; as if Facebook ever made anyone feel more satisfied with their lives.
At the top of my feed, I read that a friend had gotten a new job. A really GOOD new job. Surprise! Facebook did not make me happier. The unsettledness inside of me escalated.
What am I doing with my life?
Ever have those moments? I sure hope I'm not the only one...
My car was unhappy too, and she didn't seem to feel like waiting on me to figure out my whole life's direction before taking me home on this cold night. The engine began to sputter. I panicked, thought of calling Chris, but then felt an urgency to at least try to reverse and move out into the parking lot. She continued to sputter, but I backed out, and once I had the space cleared before me I drove ahead, revving her up.
I felt a little like that car in that moment. I felt like someone sitting and waiting for things to begin, but waiting a little too long before moving forward.
I couldn't hear my Daddy anymore either. The car, the Facebook post, and warning signs in the sky of coming rain all seemed to tell me I needed to move somehow. I needed to go find God again. I had been sitting complacently and cozily, parked in one place, missing Him completely.
As I drove, I'm not sure if I prayed more for a safe drive home, or for God to tell me what on earth I needed to be doing. It was probably some odd combination of the both of these in an awakening beggar's prayer.
I have known days where I was so lonely it hurt, and Christ was my only comfort. There were times when I didn't know how I would make it from one day to the next, and despite all my worry, God blessed me time and time again with just what I needed, and still joys beyond this.
Yet, I know Him to do this in spite of me. Too often I have had one need filled, thanked him silently, and then moved forward independent of Him. Oh, I counted myself lucky, but had I secretly been crediting it all to myself?
However, the idea that I should only seek the Lord when I have unmet, physical needs seems absurd. Surely we are always commanded to pursue God, no matter where we are.
I was stagnant, just like my little car. Rain drops gently began to drift over her. Perhaps it was a way to cause me to more carefully examine speeding limits and the highway. I prayed.
I remember years past asking the Lord for a way to draw me nearer to Him when my need had grown too great to be handled by anyone but Him any longer; the next day, I knew I was supposed to train to run a half-marathon. My entire training was devoted to Him in prayer, utterly dependent as I roamed the same running tracks alone, night after night.
In the Old Testament, He granted His people a way to draw nearer, to remember their need and turn to Him, year after year, through His law, before their Savior--their relief--appeared.
I committed to trusting that He would, in all His faithfulness through the ages, show me how to draw close again if I fervently sought a word from Him. I know I will hear Him and that I will be given a sign.
As I pulled into the parking lot, I knew I would not be given a spot so near my building. They had filled up quickly tonight, and the rain shower continued. I pulled into a spot I knew was just for me. The walk caused me to continue in prayer and thought. How many times had I forgone prayer in taking steps forward in my life?
I lack understanding of my calling; I used to feel so sure, but recently I've begun to question whether these plans were constructed by myself or if I were drawn to them by the Lord. One thing I feel sure I'm called to do is to write, and it's the thing that I've been missing the most.
In my times of need, writing has been a way to draw nearer to God when I could be heard by no one else. Recently, though, I had lost my discipline.
So this evening, I've committed to writing this one piece. This is my admission of need, once more, of loss of direction, uncertainty, and bewilderment. I'm afraid that my prayer for the discomfort needed to seek God out again will be further revealed. If the Lord wills it, though, these writings and pleas on paper will become one medium through which I draw nearer and find my way in Christ again. I'll seek His will if this will be an appropriate Lenten devotion in order to find my way back to His feet in adoration at the foot of the cross.
