I'm listening to some worship song I added a year ago to my worship playlist, whilst sitting in a little office that I now feel far removed from. Now there is an engagement ring on my left hand and I'm fifteen days from marrying the man who once worked across the room from where I sat.
A year ago today, ironically the day I agreed to the relationship, I wouldn't have predicted this. I couldn't be more ready for that now, but I also couldn't feel more worn from the change.
Since then I've moved churches twice, graduated college, started a master's program and quit, started two new jobs and an internship, one full-time, and have been released from all of them. I've been in a dating relationship and an engagement and now planned a wedding. All the while I've remained living in the same apartment and projected living with and doing ministry for two different organizations, neither of which have come to pass in the Lord's plan.
I'm now fifteen days out from living in a new place with a permanent new roommate, without any accurate picture of what our income will be in the next month.
So, am I excited? Yes. I'm also a little bit terrified. And I feel kind of lost.
It should be mentioned that all the while I've remained in the same hand of the same God who I've been in relationship with for the last fifteen years of my life, "with whom there is no shadow due to change" (James 1:17). Surely if my emotions reflected this absolute truth, while all else is shifting reality, I should feel anchored.
Well I've moved my little faux anchor, if you will, around a few times now, and let me tell you, I've worn myself out from expending all that useless energy. I'm completely exhausted from casting and projecting visions of the future only to see them quickly fall away to something not yet seen. I'm tired of grieving the dust of stars who were never truly in the sky, only their shifting shadows from where I looked up on my little ship's deck.
Somebody else is steering, and I no longer count myself understanding enough to write the conclusion to this journey.
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