On Faith and Doubt: Mystery

Last month I reflected on the unavoidable questions that have arisen in my mind concerning faith and doubt. Here is some of what I have discovered since:

 - Questions are important
- If you have questions, then you should be actively seeking answers and soaking in observations
- Questions may lead to a firmer faith
- God delights in your intellectual and holistic pursuit of truth
- The questions will never stop

I believe it’s possible to be on a continual, intellectual pursuit of truth all along your walk with Jesus, but I’ve also concluded that eventually you must realize that you will never have all the knowledge needed to prove the validity of Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and all that the Christian faith promises about God. One thing I have certainly discovered about faith; if there were no question about the truth of Christianity, then there would be no opportunity to faithfully trust in Christ. If all of the answers were set before us as fact, then there would be no choice and faith would not be needed. I also don’t believe that if we knew all things as certainly as we would like that it would make living according to God’s way any easier, or that it would prevent man from choosing other paths less wise.

Albert Schweitzer once said:

“But the truth is, it is not Jesus as historically known, but Jesus as spiritually arisen within men, who is significant for our time... And to those who obey Him, whether they be wise or simple, He will reveal Himself in the toils, the conflicts, the sufferings which they shall pass through in His fellowship, and, as an ineffable mystery, they shall learn in their own experience Who He is.”

I then choose to believe that the Holy Spirit’s stirring in me of such questions and thoughts has set me about on a new leg in my journey of faith, during which I am weighing everything I learn according to a different standard and seeing with a renewed lens. Just like is the habit of the Spirit, just when there is the chance of becoming complacent in our walk with Christ, He comes to stir things up and disturb the image before us. Like a reflection in a pool, the Spirit has stirred the waters, and to find the greatest treasure requires a deeper, more careful look into the pool and the faith to reach in and take it.

And to reach in to take hold of such faith takes courage. If I believe in the Bible and in Christ, if I even give Him an inch, then He will take a mile. In other words, if it’s true, then this stuff is serious, and I better take God’s word seriously for my life. I had wondered why some of the books on the topic of faith and doubt I had read nudged me closer to God’s word rather requiring me to distance from it, or why one friend of mine recommended the Bible over all other materials to study. Now I understand why. There is such weight to what is said about who God is, who we are, and who Jesus Christ is as man and deity that it transforms the way I think and gives purpose to how I live.

Still, it is not the certainty of Scripture that influences me the most towards greater faith, but the great mystery of it that captures me.

“…Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” –Matthew 17:20

On Faith and Doubt: A New Search for Truth, Life and Beauty

I’ll be honest about something I’ve been too frightened to verbalize to hardly anyone about in recent months. Like most Christians will, and most likely should, I’ve wrestled through confusion about the character and heart of God and whether he cares or not for my own, doubts of Christ’s power in my life, the capacity to which he answers prayer, etc. I see all of these doubts and “wrestling matches” as crucial to the development of our faith and renewing of our minds, and I wouldn’t ever discourage someone from coming face to face with these questions so that they might seek answers.

But never in my young life had I ever struggled with an intense fear that we have it all wrong. From the infallibility or reliability of Scripture, the fact of Christ’s deity and physical resurrection, to the ground level questions of the existence of God, the beginnings of our world, and the existence of an objective, spiritual realm, spirituality, and certainty about life after death. Somewhere this past summer, a fear entered into me in realizing that, as fallible human beings, we could have it all wrong.

Emotionally, I felt it as a loss of a comfort, security, and support. Even further, I felt it as a detaching from One that I loved. Pain.

Yet on the opposite end of the fear, I felt something completely different. I had the sense that the existence of questions and fears that I could no longer avoid was a new chance. I spotted an opportunity to gain the greatest certainty in my faith and the existence of all things spoken in Scripture as absolute truth. As the initial pain and fear began to subside, I felt the sense that this particular, even set-aside time for such questions was purposed. Perhaps this deeper sense is what has kept me grounded as my spirit has felt the bombardment of fears. And if I am right on this instinct, than I would be compelled to say that it is the Holy Spirit equipping me and empowering me for such a time.

The most astonishing proof to me of a creator thus far has been the provision on earth for life. Perhaps it is no perfect life, but rather there is an obvious providence for health. Consider biological cycles of nature and especially that of humans; psychology, sexuality, neurology and spirituality all linked. Aside from questions of how the world was made, the mere fact of life is incredible.

The morning I write this, I come from just experiencing worship at my church last night. Having felt a sense of numb to much contemporary, emotionalized worship recently, I was struck suddenly by the lyrics of one song:

He became sin

Who knew no sin

That we might become His righteousness

He humbled Himself and carried the cross

Love so amazing

Love so amazing
Jesus Messiah, name above all names

Blessed Redeemer, Emmanuel

The rescue for sinners

The ransom from Heaven

Jesus Messiah, Lord of all

His body, the bread

His blood, the wine

Broken and poured out all for love

The whole earth trembled and the veil was torn

Singing about the incredible atonement Christ made for our redemption, I realized the assurance of my faith in the end would be found in this. This had to be it; the greatest reason to bow to such a truth—beyond the fact of life to a redemption for something better, by a Being willing to purchase us back at such a cost. What a story! What a reason for living—that it is all so beautifully purposed! Even that which feels futile in this life gains meaning if it is true that Jesus of Nazareth died and literally rose from the dead, counting us as found in the eyes of Heaven.

The questions are still there and I feel certain that this is a season for searching, and I am thankful for it and no longer resent it. At first I wished the questions would leave me and I could continue without a turn from my walking in faith. But now I know that this would not be a turn from faith, but instead a further turning into it, inspecting all of the gears that make up its mechanism. And if in the end I discover the most beautiful hope that mankind could know to be true, then I don’t regret getting a little dirty if such treasure lies in the end of it.

Love so amazing…the rescue for sinners…the ransom from Heaven…

…Jesus Messiah, Lord of all.

Change

One of the first days of this semester, I prayed aloud to the Lord, “Surprise me.”

I’m not sure what kind of surprises I was expecting to receive, but surprise me He did (just a warning, in case you ever decide to conduct such a dangerous prayer).

My relationship with the Lord has often been a process of His Spirit steadily holding me through a time of transition. For me, change can be a slow and difficult process and I often view surprises in a bad light. But would it be wise for me to spend my life hoping that would God simply allow all of the little details of my life to fall into place the way I’d like to see it? Often my only wish is that I might secure myself in each moment by careful planning and prayer, hoping only that God might answer my requests and provide for me exactly as I believe fit.

Yet I know that my trust in the Lord is meant for more than just my moments of contentment—this trust is meant for me in times of great need, pain, and movement.

Just as I thought I had locked myself into some mundane semester of school, God revealed to me possibilities in my workplace and opportunities for leadership within my circle of fellowship, as my first round of surprises. Along with arising opportunities, however, He caused me to face change in friendships, as a dear friend of mine moved up her wedding by months.

I begged for the faith to trust in His great love for me, for I have noted that in past years anytime I have attempted to resist change, the strain proves more painful than the release and acceptance of transformation
that comes from adapting to change. For my final surprise of the month, the Lord opened up a door for me to take a trip overseas next year for my chosen graduate degree. All of these works I believe were accomplished by Him in an effort to reveal to me how low I had placed my expectations of His plans for my life.

My trust in the Savior of my Soul cannot be dependent on Him following my schedule. How much positive transformation and opportunity would I miss if I resisted my Daddy’s commands and desires for me? Surely so much glory for the Kingdom would be lost if the Church were constantly pinning the Lord to our schedules. His Life for us is beyond our understanding, and truly, beyond our lives on earth.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,
declares the Lord.
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9

Humility

“Finally, a moment of peace”, I think to myself. 

I’m in my hometown of Spring in the larger Houston area for some of the last, fleeting moments of my summer vacation, sitting at my favorite local coffee-shop. Yet, in the stillness, my mind has begun to recall regret and frustration. In the last few hours I have succeeded once more in being one of the more critical voices in my family—a fault I must fight against daily. I reflect on often the spiritual journey I’ve taken since my years at home, but still more surprising to me is how consistently I still struggle with the same sins I thought I had escaped. With my immediate family I slip easily into my “old” ways of relating to my mother, my sister, father….and it’s here that I need the reminder of the same grace by which I was brought into a new family.

As Christians, the entire doctrine of our salvation centers around the realization of our true position to Christ and surrendering the pride that once separated us from God. In this way, C.S. Lewis even considered pride the greatest of all sins. James 4:6 says,

 “But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

‘God opposes the proud
    but shows favor to the humble.’”

When I’m back at school, it seems easier to believe that I’ve escaped a critical spirit, but when I’m with those closest to me I all too quickly let humility fly out the door. It’s here that I’m reminded most of my own depravity.

As I rest, review my reflections, and finish up my cold coffee, I wonder if this is the purpose of these tests of my impatience. Maybe, in a similar way that the Jews had the law, I come home to remember the impossible standards I hold for everyone else and that I’m usually the first to trip. Perhaps this moment has become a reminder of Romans 5:20, which says, “The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more…”

Why should my trespass increase, even as a growing, young Christian? Might I constantly have to re-realize my need of God’s grace and the necessity of a humble spirit?

Oh how I need such grace, and how glad I am that I was brought to it. 

God, bring me to my knees again and again if this is your desire. May I never, ever escape my humbling journey while I’m on this earth. Thank you for grace, thank you for a new family in your Kingdom and my old one, in which Grace ransomed His life for me.

How I Proved Jesus

How is faith “proved”? Amidst trying circumstances, how do Christians prove the worth and truth of their faith in their own lives?

In comparison to larger issues, my most recent questions of faith seem petty, but still left legitimate doubts in my mind for a time. Having finally found stability and rest from relationship struggles of various kinds in the past year, I found myself in my walk with the Lord at a new place. I felt at limbo, a year from graduation, perpetually single, and living with two close friends who would both be married and moved out within the year.

As much as I would’ve liked to believe this would never have any effect on me emotionally, I could not remain in denial for long and refuse to address the facts. Already thinking one year ahead of myself, several thoughts disrupted my spirit. One, the fact that I’m not one hundred percent sure of my plans directly after graduation, that my best friend would not be living in the same building as me for the first time in four years, and that I had drawn for myself this idea that my existence would become lonely, boring, and fairly colorless after I became a graduate. I was afraid of this loneliness, even before seeing any evidence of it, and I began to deeply question the hand of God in my personal life.

If you think I was worrying just a bit, you would be totally right! You would also be right in pointing out that the Bible commands us not to worry (Philippians 4:6, as we’ve become very conscientious of this verse in my small group).

But I couldn’t get past the gloom I had predicted for my future. Silly, right? I had seen girls worrying about being single and lonely before and knew that this is not the way God desires for his children to live. But I was now tempted and still yet to overcome.

Ironically, God comforted me by leaving me alone, besides the fact of His presence, for a week in my apartment.

Roommates had each left for different summer escapades, and I had plenty of work to get done in the meantime. The only problem was that little of it was going get sorted out unless I sorted through the heart-issues first—my challenge with trusting the Lord in this “limbo” I had found myself in. For just a moment, I desperately needed to remember the Lord’s touch upon my life and His powerful, and yet very personal, love for me.

After an evening of escaping to the gym from the solace of my empty living room, my Daddy caught me and brought me to a few key scriptures to remind me of His providence in my life. Hebrews 4:15-16 reminded me that Christ is my great high priest, who miraculously became flesh to sympathize with every one of my weaknesses. Romans 8:28-29 revealed to me that each of these weaknesses are intended, then, for our good and His glory. I was surprised by James 4:6-20, which called me to have gut-wrenching honesty and brokenness before the Lord, calling it humility. Meanwhile, Psalm 40 proved to me that God constantly acknowledges my brokenness and all of my questioning of His mercy, yet still requires me to place my trust in Him. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 concluded my devotional, stating that His grace is completely sufficient for any and every “limbo” we may find ourselves in during this lifetime. His glory is literally perfected in our imperfections because we need Him so.

The rest of my week rolled by more quickly than I would have expected, and ironically enough I was rarely alone after that evening, much less lonesome. But I had been comforted and had learned that the Lord required my honesty before Him if I ever expected to experience His comfort, even in the smallest of my complaints and moments of uneasiness. By becoming willing to come to Him with all of my impatient wondering, my spirit was graciously reminded of the fact of His presence and sovereignty over my life—no matter where I go, what company I keep, or my relationship status. I had “proved” Him (or rather, He proved Himself), as the hymn goes,

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him,
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er,
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus!
  O for grace to trust Him more.

Restored Relationships

There’s something so very sweet to me about reunion between friends that makes me think, “This must be what Jesus died for.”

Have you ever thought of the gospel as a story of restored relationships? To me, it has become one of the most tangible ways to understand the story of redemption. And I believe God understands his creation well enough to speak in a language that they can understand, and this just happens to be one of my particular languages.

I’m an extremely relationally-oriented person. This doesn’t mean I’m wildly active in the dating game (in fact, at the moment I’m very much not), but I’m constantly thinking, living, even praying in terms of my relationships with others, and ultimately my relationship with God. I’ve even come into the habit of calling Him “Daddy” when I cry to Him at any given moment throughout the day. I find that when I pray, I most frequently begin with the closest relationships that are on my mind, and move around the circle of those I love and feel compassion for—even those I don’t feel particularly close to in the moment. One of my favorite activities is to sit down with another person, one-on-one, and hear their story, and allow them to hear my own. When I worry, I most frequently worry about the displeasure I could bring to another person within the context of my relationship with them. But one of the healthiest ways that I personally dispel worry is by speaking my concerns to another trusted individual, and admittedly some of the most intense feelings of grief I experience in the reality of releasing a relationship to Jesus.

For myself, I understand the transformation and redemption of Christ in the lives of His children most easily just by taking a look at the journey that I’ve been on with those that are dearest to my heart. In fact, my most treasured relationships are those that, if not for the grace of God, shouldn’t still stand a chance in the world today. It’s from some of the most trying relationships with people that I’ve come to understand the grace that God has for us the most clearly. I know that in the relationships where the other individual has seen me at some of my darkest moments, and I them, become my most trusted. Patience, loyalty, and trust have undergone great tests in the furnace of these relationships, and sometimes we've been burned. Quite possibly, many times. But even deeper scars can lead to deeper healing—only but one miracle that I know God is capable of in our lives, from the deepest of wounds.

My own journey with others is but one way—one reflection—I know of that further confirms to me that God has created man in His image for relationship and that this is the heart of the gospel message.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth…and He created man in His image (see the creation story in Genesis 1). Just as He did not wish for man to be alone, and has so surrounded us with relationships within which to exercise our knowledge and understanding of Him, God did not wish that we be separated from Him for eternity because of our failure to pledge Him our complete and unfailing loyalty. So He sent Jesus. Jesus experienced the full wrath of the furnace, the place in relationships where sometimes you get burned, and came back, so that the relationship between God and man could be restored. So that all relationships granted us by God could be restored in the same way, by His grace alone.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” –John 15:9-13 (NIV)

The Bird's Nest

Recently I was explaining the idea of this writing project to a small group of people, one in the group being a cousin of mine who happens to be in the actual field of the arts—she is a ceramicist. When I had begun working with the college group to transform the FBCA college ministry newsletter into a small writing magazine, I remembered the words of a certain professor, commenting on the tragedy of the lack of the fine arts within the modern church—a ministry in its own right. What was interesting to me was that when I explained this same thought to the group that I was currently with, someone in the circle remarked on a recent clay piece of my cousin’s: a recreation of a simple, brown bird’s nest. The statement made was that perhaps the bird’s nest could become, instead, a crown of thorns. An example of “evangelical art”.

For whatever reason, this observation triggered something in my mind, and I immediately felt objected to the idea of having to modify art to become more “Christian”. Why would the bird’s nest not be viewed as a piece of Christian art? What was wrong with the bird’s nest in the first place? Think about it: the real bird’s nest is one example of the general revelation of God—his own creation. Consider the labor on the part of the bird to create something both beautiful and functional, which will provide a home for the bird’s future offspring. Does not the ingenuity of the bird in creating its nest reflect similar attributes of the Creator of the universe? Wouldn’t it stand to reason, then, that the work on the part of my cousin to recreate that same bird’s nest would further reflect and give glory to our Lord?

While observations of nature, the arts, and the abilities of man are by no means a direct route to understanding the fullness of the Gospel from the Scriptures, there are elements of Creation that I think we, as the church, may too often lose sight of. Everything in the created order has the capacity to speak to us directly about the character of the incredible God we live for. These elements naturally speak volumes about our Creator—exactly in the way that God created them to reflect Him. Psalm 19:1-2 says, “The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork. Day to day pours out speech, and night to night reveals knowledge.”

If this is true, would not the gifts that God has created us with also directly give glory to Him? Do we try too hard sometimes, as a Christian culture, to add to these gifts for the purpose of “ministry”? I would think that these gifts would minister more greatly to a broken and fallen world if we worked them the way that we were called to—by unashamedly going out into the world with these gifts. To be, like my cousin, a Christian ceramicist and sculptor of all things good and beautiful. To be Christian writers, allowing our words to give greater and greater revelation of the Lord by the exact way he has gifted each of us to write, in every style. To be Christian businessmen and women in the world market, Christian communicators, Christian counselors and social workers, bakers, athletes, farmers, and thinkers. Each of us are to reflect the Lord’s handiwork in the exact fields he’s placed us in to work and to be His church, His bride—His image.

I challenge everyone to consider carefully: what does it truly mean to have a Christian worldview? Our gifts should grant us the opportunity to proclaim to the world the work of the One who first gifted us, died for us, and redeemed the WHOLE of us. I believe He is actively at work redeeming the created order, and we are a part of that. The work of the Spirit effects every inch of our beings, allowing our gifts to reflect Him.

Ephesians 2:8-9 sums it up, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

We are redeemed beings in all things, simply by God’s gift and grace.

Or at least this is the way I saw it…by observing the bird’s nest.

Reflect

This month has become one full of questions. For me personally, this is quite typical. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have a tendency to question everything happening around me, and I can only pray that one day God turns this into a redeeming quality and gift instead of a hindrance. However, this month I took the opportunity to step back and reconsider a variety of things that we do in our churches and in our lives as proclaiming Christians—everything from the youth groups our churches support and varying styles of discipleship, well-intended service organizations and outreach ministries, boundaries within relationships and how God intended us to live in relation to one another, prayer and spiritual warfare….the list goes on.

The world in which we live today demands that Christians know what they believe and what they stand for. It also demands that we consider our purpose and effectiveness in everything that we invest ourselves into, knowing that we will be representing the very Body of Christ in all that we do.

One of the things that I find myself investing in these past few months is this very newsletter and writing magazine. Over a year ago I asked my college minister for a way to get involved at this church, and for whatever God-ordained reason, the opportunity to practice my writing in the college newsletter presented itself. It’s been a rewarding experience so far and challenging, as any worthwhile investment should be, and has given me a sense of belonging and leadership in my new home-church that I’ve never known before. And I’m grateful for the opportunity to now usher in new writers to share the same experience!

However, another question I’ve been forced to grapple with recently is, what should be the purpose behind any piece of writing that is released to the congregation, or anywhere for that matter? Is it to gain an audience? To project our thoughts and frustrations onto a larger group? Or is it simply for the sake of writing, if even to write well?

I think the purpose for both the writer and the reader of this collection of reflective pieces can be understood from reading 1 Corinthians 13:8-12:

“Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

Love. Spiritual gifts should be exercised out of love. Knowledge should be pursued in love. Spiritual maturity is developed out of a loving, devoted heart. And the reflection of our Lord and Savior is glimpsed in a mature disciple of Jesus who is exercising all gifts given him out of a heart completely undivided in faithfulness to its Creator; “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” –Colossians 3:23.

As disciples, committed to the Lord in our love, in our gifts, and in our very manner of living, the goal of our writing must reflect that. Our writing should cause us to reflect on our faith, wrestle with the Lord (as did Israel—see Genesis 22:22-32), and work out our own salvation (Philippians 2:12). It should also engage, encourage, and equip the body of believers (Ephesians 4:12).

This is what mature faith is made of. It is reflective faith, as seen in the 1 Corinthians passage above. It is faith that exercises all things out of a loving heart.

Reflective writing…reflecting on faith…reflecting our Creator.

Transformation, Redemption, and Beauty and the Beast

“Tale as old time…” as the song goes. Whenever I hear the opening tune to Beauty and the Beast, something in my heart smiles (bear with my cheesiness for a moment). But it’s not just because I’m thinking of the sweet romance as portrayed in the Disney movie….

I remember watching the transformation scene with my mom years ago. Just before the last petal fell, Belle whispers “I love you” to the dying beast. Her words of compassion break the curse first placed upon the Prince and his entire household by the witch who had stumbled upon the castle and its coldhearted master at the beginning of the film. The miracle of the Beast’s transformation is set in motion, and he is lifted into the air as every part of him suddenly becomes illuminated and his fully human form is redeemed.

My mother told me that more than anything else, this ending scene of the film reminded her most of what our transformation in Christ looks like and the way that it affects every aspect of our lives—as shown by the transformation of the Beast’s manor. And while the external appearance of things has obviously shifted and improved, there is something internally fixed that was once broken.

Her words have stuck with me ever since and I’m reminded of her insight to this day whenever I watch the movie or hear its melodic soundtrack. To me, this thought was more beautiful than any picture painted by the Disney animation crew and more eternally resonant than the sweetest of romances compiled from the oldest of fairy-tales. And isn’t that the message of Christ’s redemption and His good news to a fallen and bitter world?

As in the story, the ugliness of our inner pride and selfishness is confronted. As Christians, we have accepted that “to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). Accepting the love of one who has extended Himself sacrificially for our sake demands that our “beastly” flesh be put to death and that all things be made new instead! I love the way the old KJV expresses 2 Corinthians 5:17; “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; BEHOLD, all things are become new (emphasis added).

Not only can the tale of Beauty and the Beast teach us about the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit coming into our hearts after we accept Christ’s atoning love, but we see that the transformation also returns us to our rightful human form before the Lord! The image of the Beast reminds us of sin’s innate corruption since the Fall. Without the free gift of grace, restoration of our true humanity before God as beings created in His image is unattainable, and the restoration of an eternal relationship with Him doesn’t have a chance.

“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world…we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.”—Ephesians 2:1-4

Verses 8-10 continue: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do”.

Needless to say, Beauty and the Beast is one of my favorite tales of the redemption and transformation of a life, all because of the great, undeserved love of one person. I can only imagine that Belle and her prince lived happily ever after…as will we with our King and Savior.

The Cowtown

January 6th of this year I journaled my surrender. I felt completely eaten up by my own bitterness and admitted that I could do nothing to bring myself out of the pit that I had dug for myself. Circumstances aside, I had reached the moment in this particular season of my life where I knew God had pinned me right in the center of my brokenness. I was only beginning to realize the depth of the selfishness for which I had potential in all of my relationships and my ability to attempt to meet my needs in my own way, and they had all left me feeling miserable and even more isolated than before.

Among other pleas and requests, I asked God to grant me something to move me into a new season with Him that I so desperately needed.

Next thing I know, my roommate is egging me on to run the Cowtown half-marathon on February 26th.

Well,that was awfully direct was my honest thought. It made me think back to what my college minister Nick Pitts sometimes reminds our college group of during his prayers for us right before the Journey, our weekly bible study; the importance of coming before God’s throne with confidence in prayer. How many times do we as Christians “not have because [we] do not ask God” (James 4:2)?

While most grabbed running partners for the long miles of training for the Cowtown, I trained on my own. I can’t quite explain it, but God used the training to bring me through a season in which I could not carry myself. He met with me on every single day of training on that gravel trail on the back of the DBU campus—rain or snow, under the sun or in the cloak of night, clear or cloudy skies, and my favorite—at sunset. He gave me a place to go with all of my pent up energy, and any seemingly needless frustrations toiling inside of me I knew would be laid out and dealt with there on that trail between He and I by the end of our run. I cried to Him in prayer, sometimes literally, other times I looked to the sky in moments of ecstasy in seeing the trees clear and the stars come out. My God knew how to speak my love language, how to break, heal, and settle my heart back into His, and through His fierce and fantastic love for me, woo me back to His arms and transform me along the journey there.

Some days of the journey were difficult. Faced with the temptations of guilt and shame, I knew I had to choose to allow my convictions to push me forward and not hold me back. I got a glimpse of the disgusting amount of pride in my heart and my inability to release certain things in my own strength—all of these being elements working to draw me away from my Heavenly Daddy.

Amidst the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual discipline during my training program, Proverbs 3:11-12 was constantly on my mind:

“My son, do not despise the LORD’s
discipline,
and do not resent his rebuke,
because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in.”

By the end of my race, I had received a medal. But better than any personal satisfaction or recognition that I may have received, I gained a greater understanding of God’s ability to transform us from the inside-out whenever we dedicate any area of our lives to Him. Ephesians 3:20 says “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us”. I choose to believe that God can not only allow us to reach our goals, but that He CAN and WILL go above and beyond our hopes and expectations, using every event for His eternal purposes and make the most of Himself in our lives.

I didn’t just complete a race—I learned to run more closely alongside my Lord.

Brokenness

This month, I was reminded of the utter brokenness of our humanity, realizing that any discomfort, hurt, and confusion in our lives stems from this source. Amidst it all I wondered, why would a wise God choose to allow a cluster of broken, messy human beings to mingle together on earth, seemingly creating only further mess, and how would this accomplish His purposes in any way?

I doubted my understanding of God’s redemption and began questioning His grace and wisdom. I began to pray for Him to give me answers, to speak directly to my heart, and to reveal Himself to be a personal God.

Where is there purpose in our brokenness? The single aspect I’d like to focus on for this month is that brokenness drives us to desperation and dependence on the Father and places us on our faces before His throne. It reminds us of who we were and who we are in light of Christ and what He’s done for us.

Suddenly, I had come into contact with a God so up-close, a God that knew me so well, that it made me extremely uncomfortable. I was humbled by the very brokenness that I saw within myself and I knew that I needed relief.

In his book titled The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning focuses on the subject of brokenness within a Christian’s life. Think on this;

"Relief comes from rigorous honesty with ourselves. It is interesting that whenever the evangelists Mark, Luke, or John mention the apostles, they call the author of the first gospel either Levi or Matthew. But in his own Gospel, he always refers to himself as 'Matthew the publican', never wanting to forget who he was and always wanting to remember how low Jesus stooped to pick him up."

Gaining perspective and humility may not sound much like relief in the way that we’d have it, and it doesn’t seem to offer us any answer as to why God would do things and allow things in this world the way that He has. Perhaps it is because this is not the type of relief we seek, but rather the kind God would seek for our souls and for our character. I believe our brokenness can drive us to the truth that I’ve been clinging to in James 1:2-6;

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

Ironically enough, the matured Christian is truly the opposite of the picture that may have been impressed upon our minds. In fact, according to Christian counselor, Dr. Larry Crabb, if you “…ask a mature person when he last sinned…he will smile the smile of a broken but healing person.” The mature Christian, growing in Christ, is rather someone constantly being brought into awareness of their sin, knowing they are always in the process of healing and working against the nature of their flesh in choosing to allow God near enough to transform them from the inside out. I’d say that’s letting Him pretty close.

As I stated before, acknowledging the brokenness of those around me and within myself has driven me to seek answers, and most of them are not simple. But I think that, for a time, it’s enough to sit with our brokenness, appreciating it for the way that it drives us back to the heart of our God as we seek His wisdom and matures us as we understand our need for His grace.

Because He Lives

This past month served as a strong and poignant reminder of all that this past year has held. Certainly for me it was one of the most tumultuous yet, though with each passing year the last seems more and more like some sort of wonderful and frightening roller coaster ride. Looking back on the ups and downs of it all, I was indecisive about the topic of my meditation for this month and felt I had little truly substantial words of encouragement to give. Still, the more I wondered about all I’d seen and learned, only one thing proved certain: the God that keeps us and moves us in this life for His glory.

There is one song whose chorus reads, “Because He lives I can face tomorrow, because He lives, all fear is gone; because I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living, just because He lives!”

This song always offers me encouragement and urges me to look upon the life of Christ; simply the fact that He came to earth and lived in full dependence upon the Father, through it conquering all sin and trials that He knew we would encounter—even death—offers us the hope that the Christian life cannot and will not be lived in futility. We have been given victory through the exchange of our flesh for His blood, and from this we can know and find comfort each moment that our Heavenly Daddy is not only keeping us in the present, but moving us forward to where He has called us, transforming us along the way. Psalm 90:17 says, “Let the favor of the Lord our God be on us; establish for us the work of our hands—establish the work of our hands!”

Not only is God establishing the work He has for us in the future, but He is also establishing us to complete the work He has laid out for us, day by day!

There are plenty of moments in the Christian life when we feel as though we have not the strength to move forward and must gather the discipline from within ourselves to do so. But looking back, I can’t help but believe that even within those seemingly impossible moments, there is one God who is truly feeding us the strength of Christ and moving us. Just looking back to one year ago I know that I did not change myself and move myself through all of those obstacles, big and small, nor did I provide for myself all of those moments that will forever be memories in my heart, moments where my soul was blessed and comforted in a way that only the Lover of my soul knows how to do. Still, there are so many times and places where the Lord has had to make me so uncomfortable in one place so as to give me the courage to move on to the next season of the life that He has for me.

By His grace I am where I am today, having been given the things that I have and seen the things that I was predestined to, in order that I might best “face tomorrow”.