I'll be honest, I'm simply exhausted. I loathe that I wake up so many Monday mornings apprehensive of the day ahead or of the news I'll receive in the briefing room at work. I hate questioning my ability to work for an agency that I've grown to love or ever truly understanding my future career path.
...Whew, now that that's off my chest...
What's worse is I can't find a way to make myself figure out what I'm meant to be striving toward in the long run.
...Oh, no, worse is that I know what I should be doing RIGHT NOW and that I've been shifting that responsibility away from myself.
I know I should be working with diligence, praying even harder than I work and asking for direction as I go about life. But I'm oh-so-terrible at that.
I once believed I had a plan, I had a set path, and then not-so-unlike other moments it seems a supernatural force interrupted my certainty and pushed me into the void of ambiguity. If His purpose was to push me into trusting that force, well, unfortunately my ability to trust disappeared when I couldn't seem to know myself. Apparently that's all I've been counting on.
I frequently thrust myself into frantic questioning and research, only to realize I still lack direction.
Chris will ask me here if I've prayed for it, and no I haven't. I'm still a little p-o'd that it's gone.
I guess I had to get that off my chest too.
Our apartment is cluttered with his school-books and theology texts, and I'm honestly a little jealous. I love to study but no longer have the faintest idea what it is I should be studying. I have grand visions for what our future will be years down the road but no idea where to begin.
Hmph. Well I suppose this is my beginning. I guess eventually I'll need to quit my grumbling and get to that prayer part.
Meanwhile, as I get all of this griping out of my system, you can pray too.
