Dependence

Our gentleman was lifted out of his wheelchair, the pad beneath him assisting the lifters in shifting him to his bed without disturbing the position held by his thin frame. His arms and legs stayed in fairly the same position once he was laid on his back and a plain, white bed sheet retrieved to provide him with some warmth. The bruises and cuts on his arms were checked and redressed by the RN, and after she checked his vitals she left me to have my time with him.

I was a hospice volunteer on my first ride along with a nurse this Friday morning, visiting this particular patient (who will remain unnamed) at a nursing home facility. Ironically, I felt helpless next to this man. I also felt disgusted with my desire to keep a distance, either out of this helplessness or fear. Perhaps it unnerved me to see my own mortality reflected in his.

Regardless, once the RN left and I was able to warm up to the man on my own terms, I pulled up a chair next to him and checked his stack of books. The RN had lovingly mentioned that he loved being read to and would quickly fall to sleep not ten minutes into the reading. I found a Bible on the bottom of the stack, a couple of other Christian books, and at the top what I assumed was a devotional brought more recently by one of his children--Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.

I could tell Mr. “S” was very sweet, though only able to utter small phrases and requests through his teeth and lips since his jaw moved little. I did the only thing I figured I should and opened his devotional to that day’s date, February 22ndd, and my voice trembled at the reading:

You need Me every moment. Your awareness of your constant need for Me is your greatest strength. Your neediness, properly handled, is a link to My Presence. However, there are pitfalls that you must be on guard against: self-pity, self-preoccupation, giving up. Your inadequacy presents you with a continual choice—deep dependence on Me or despair…

My eyes watered as I worked to hold myself in for the sake of Mr. S...as if that mattered. As I continued through devotional’s pages over the next few minutes, his breathing fell into rhythm and grew louder. His eyes fluttered closed and then opened again several times between my pauses in the reading. He politely let me know that after the next page he might go to sleep—if it was all right with me. I replied “of course”, and he let me know “it was good to know you” and some other kind compliments. He had asked my name twice in about the same ten-minute span.

Dependence is a word that keeps coming to mind in my spiritual walk in the last couple of years. In a season where I’m now examining some of my most basic dependencies, I realize that without understanding our fundamental dependence on a “Higher Being”, we have nothing by which to gage our other acts of dependence. Caffeine, relationships, financial stability, or even busyness all take advantage of our mind’s reward system to increase our reliance on whatever object grants us that fulfillment.

Amidst it all, I realize how needy I really can be and my craving for that sense of wholeness. Visiting that particular hospice client that day, in that hour, gave me a vivid image to match the level of need we each have, no matter how far we attempt to stuff it down sometimes.

And in Sarah Young’s words, our “greatest strength” is when we come to terms with our weakness, approaching the Lord’s throne for a depth of grace we cannot comprehend, and a moment-by-moment supply we often take for granted.